Peaches and Cream

While I realize that many of you (read: three of my two readers) depend on me to never update this blog (it makes it easier for those of you with second grade reading levels to keep up if you only have to complete an article once every two months, right?), material two great to pass up has been presented me. I bet you think I just mispelt “too”, don’t you? Well I didn’t, because that’s a pun, my friends. I have two things to share with you today on our journey through the magical land of Mark.

I present the court with article one, a dead gator. “Why is this gator, dead?” I hear you asking. “What did it do to deserve to have its eyeballs ripped out of their sockets and its brains removed via its rectum?”

So glad I am that you asked! You see, this weekend I went to Gator Orientation, AKA “Preview.” Preview is an important event for future UF students in which one stands in line a long time and waits to be told to go home because one is a screwup that doesn’t deserve to go to UF. UF staff feels that the more disoriented that one feels after orientation, the more one will be likely to spend all their money on psychiatric help once they get to the school.

Hey, that reminds me of a joke...If you spin someone from Japan around in circles for twenty hours straight, do they become disoriented?

Back to bidness. So my father and I took the two and a half hour trek to UF this weekend to attend preview. We rented a room in a hotel for a night, woke up nice and early in the morning to ensure that we were able to be on time and A-OK for orientation, ate a deluxe breakfast consisting of only the best processed foods with deadly ingredients that money can buy, drove to UF and stood in line. And stood in line. And stood in line. Lines A-Nish were completely empty, but the R-Z line was terrible! Eventually the line got split in two lines: one for those with last names beginning with “S”, and one for those whose last names didn’t. So we waited in line some more. And some more. My father had on his Seminole hat, all this time, so we were forced to listen to the moans and groans of UF students as we passed them by, and when we finally reached the front of the line, we were told that they didn’t have our stuff.

Joy.

We were not too happy, and were told to go to the front desk to ask for information. We stood in line, and stood, and stood some more, before finally talking to a man that informed us after much clatter on the inefficient qwerty keyboard that we were registered for July 11th and 12th, not June 11th and 12th. Silly us! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLOFOLFOL OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOOLOLOOLOLOLOLOLOL at our stupidity. LOL LOL. Lol. lol. RFLFOLOFLOFOLFLFLOFOFL!!!!111 lol.

lol.

So, long story short, we protested and protested and asked if there was any way that they could fit us in since we had driven all this way, and they stated that four other families had had the same problem. They had 960 people (the orientation, not the other families, you moron), and two more simply would burst the bubble that bibbles and bobbles. We drove home.

Anyhoo, I made a little oopsie there, but only in the smallest sense of the word. That is why that Gator is dead. That is why its eyeballs have been removed. That is why its entrails have been removed through its rectum. That is why. That is why.

Moving on, I now wish to present the court with Exhibit B (Yes, I realize the first was “article one.” I like to mix things up, yo). This exhibit is self-explanatory, unless you’re ri tah ded.

As many of you are already aware, I am now a counselor at YMCA. Just trying to raise some dough’ to pay for school, you know, yo’? Uhm...yeah. So I’ve been working for two weeks now and am widely known as Bond, Mark Bond. Actually, I’m not. I’m just Mr. Mark. But you have to admit, that sounds pretty cool too. Anyway, it’s been all kicks and giggles and all, but today something abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awe-inspiring, awful, bad, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, terrible, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, and vile happened. More on that after this commercial break.

Welcome back.

So yeah...where were we? What’s that? I was just about to tell you the abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awe-inspiring, awful, bad, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, terrible, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, and vile thing that happened? Ok, then. I shall tell you the abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awe-inspiring, awful, bad, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, terrible, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, and vile thing that happened today, but only if you really, really want me to tell you the abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awe-inspiring, awful, bad, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, terrible, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, and vile thing that happened today.

...

Now that I’ve hyped this up like I have, I suppose I’m obligated to make it worth reading. Shucks. How stupid of me. Where to begin? Perhaps the beginning. You see,

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

And God said, let there be children for Mark to watch as a summer job.

And God saw the children, and realized that they had one fatal flaw: they weren’t annoying enough.

And so, God said, let six of them be more annoying! And they were more annoying.

And God saw the annoying children, and realized that he had made yet another fatal flaw. And so, God said, “Let one of the annoying six have a crush on Mark.”

And one had a crush on Mark.

And then the world ended.

So yeah...That pretty much sums it up from the beginning. As I said, camp has been kicks and giggles till now, but I have just been assigned the special forces group. This elite group of children consists of five males and one female, and their mission, should they choose to accept it (and they will, believe me), is to drive Mark absolutely Bonkers. Their ultimate success depends upon one factor: “abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awe-inspiring, awful, bad, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, terrible, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, and vile thing that happened? Ok, then. I shall tell you the abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awe-inspiring, awful, bad, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dreaded, dreadful, extreme, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hateful, hideous, horrendous, horrible, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, terrible, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, and vile”-ness.